Screw The Mexicans: North Carolina’s New Voter ID Law

By Nicole Zelniker

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

 

Guilford College students rejoice now that the North Carolina government has finally decided to tell the truth.

On April 1, lawmakers changed the name of North Carolina’s voter ID law to “Screw the Mexicans.”

“The government is finally being honest with us,” said CCE student Hannah Lindfors. “We all knew that the government was made up of racists. It’s time that they say how they really feel.”

The general feeling among students is that the change is long past due.

“How do they expect students to get into politics if we’re being lied to all the time?” said sophomore Daniel Medina.

The changed was proposed on March 1, and congress Congress has been working to push it through ever since.

“Duh, we hate the Mexicans,” said North Carolina legislator Walt R.Walter Jones in an interview with The Onion. “That’s why we passed this law.”

The North Carolina Congress also confessed to knowing that voter fraud was never a real problem.

“We just wanted to rustle their jimmies,” said congressperson Congresswoman Renee Ellmers in a phone interview with the The Guilfordian. “We thought, ‘well, as long as we’re keeping the Mexicans from voting, we might as well come up with a ridiculous law just to rile them up even more.’”

Students were relieved upon hearing this confession.

“All this time, we thought that the government didn’t like students,” said junior and democrats Democratic member Matt Elias. “Really, they just don’t like Mexicans. It’s a great relief for us.”

Guilford students have planned a bonfire in celebration of the government finally telling us how they really feel. According to a Facebook event page, the bonfire is planned for April 10.

Congressperson Congressman Mike M. KintirMcIntyre has checked the “going” box on the Facebook page.

“We feel that congress Congress should know how much the Guilford students appreciate this change,” said junior and Student Senate member Adam Derwin. “That’s why we invited Congressman Kintir McIntyre.”

As for KintirMcIntyre, he is excited to attend the celebration.

“It’s nice to see the youth so excited about politics,” wrote said KintirMcIntyre on the Facebook page. “I can see this law is really going to make a difference.”

Additionally, the Office for Student Leadership and Engagement is planning a debate on whether or not students approve of the law.

“We thought it would be fun to debate such a hot topic,” said OSLE’s Jacob Holland.

However, they are having a hard time getting students to argue for the opposing side.

“No one wants to argue that the law should be changed,” said Holland. “Everyone seems to be really in favor of it.”

As for North Carolina’s attitude towards Mexicans for the past couple of years, Holden Garcia of the Multicultural Education Department speculates as to why it was never meant to be public knowledge.

“The government has this idea that the people aren’t accepting of racism and that we wouldn’t keep these same people in office if we found out they were racists,” said Garcia. “Really, we just want to know what’s going on.”

Apparently, that’s exactly what the government thought.

“We were amazed that the people were so accepting of this change,” said Representative George Huldeng Holding in an interview with Fox News. “North Carolina college students were especially receptive to it.”

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